A pale shimmer of moonlight filters in through the window in room L3. Laura's in bed, but wide awake and staring at the ceiling. The small black shape of her familiar Nox is glimpsed near her feet, tucked cozily in between the thick folds of a wooly blanket, yet the flicker of the cat's ears at even the smallest sound betrays that he too is awake. Somewhere far in the canyon below, a wolf's mournful cry is heard, soon echoed by others and with a weary sigh, Laura abandons the pretense of sleep and sits up, lighting a candle by the bedside while Nox anxiously meows and curls up on her lap. She reaches for her glasses, paper and quill, writing around the cat in an awkward yet well practiced manner - placing the sheet ontop of a book resting on some piled up pillows.
"I've so much to tell you, Barton, yet either too little time or peace of mind to gather my thoughts and do so. But I also cannot sleep, my thoughts churn relentlessly, tormenting me with the myriad of things I could have, should have, would have done if only I'd been smarter, wiser, quicker and less pathetically useless.
I feel sick to my stomach with regret. The sense of failure's so powerful that when Ereda congratulated us on defeating Whisperwick, I wanted to scream. I didn't, though - I didn't have enough left in me for any outburst and besides, she was the wrong recipient thereof. She was genuine in her praise after all - because on paper, it looks like a success. The aetherite's reclaimed and Adan Whisperwick's dead, alongside his many clones and two allies that seemed unlike his usual use them and lose them type. His big project's in ruins, as is his entire rotating cube-form tower, a pocket plane within a pocket plane within... well you get it. It was actually quite amazing.
But it ~isn't~ our success.
I'm not denying that we worked hard, but there's also no denying that we could never have defeated a mage of his caliber on our own. I've always known that, so why didn't I insist we leave as soon as we had the aetherite? If we had, would things have played out differently? I knew by then that something about that 'George' we met along the way was decidedly off - didn't I? How did he get into the pocket plane without his spellcasting allies aid? Why did I never stop to question that, nor pay more mind to the increasingly disturbing contrasts to the much more thoughtful and considered man I'd met in Moonreach, some months back?
Truthfully, did a part of me secretly relish that inhumane confidence, the idea that we had an unexpected and powerful ally in a fight I never believed we could win? Probably. Though I also know that if Jaxon hadn't been separated from us, I'd have been much more likely to return to Moonreach once we had the aetherite. He outsprinted us towards a closing door and from then on, we'd neither seen nor heard him anywhere in the puzzling, shifting cube labyrinthe of the tower.
I wasn't going to leave without him, even though at every turn, I expected Whisperwick to swoop in and casually obliterate the lot of us. Especially after we slew his familiar - a large feline with displacer-like traits. I'll be honest - even though it was ten times larger than Nox's panther shape, it still reminded me of him and I couldn't help but to feel rotten, knowing the pain it inflicts. Killing the half-orc warlock and the Thayan noblewoman felt bad too, though I told myself we had no choice but to fight. I'm not sure if that's exactly true. Right now, it feels like another of a series of poor decisions that day, though time may settle my mind into more ease on the matter yet.
Right now, everything feels like failure.
Because we lead that 'thing' wearing George Longcloak's guise not only to Whisperwick and his machine's untimely end, but to Jaxon's, too. Even unwittingly, we were partners in the crime that saw Jax taken from us - dissolving before our very eyes, into smoke and cinders. I tried to stop it, but 'George' only laughed and commended me on giving my friend clarity in his final moments! I acted too late, chose the wrong spell, it was all in vain. I'm -so- useless, Barton. When Nerrez broke down thereafter, running wild in his lycan shape, I couldn't help him either. I just stood there, frozen in defeat.
It's one thing that I couldn't show Whisperwick my best self - my magic was mostly depleted by the time we got to the pinnacle and to my great shame I had to resort to a Lesser Dispel against an archmage's inpenetrable barriers. I knew it wasn't going to work, but at least I tried something with a theoretical chance of effect. But when that lying flame creature took Jaxon, 'used' him to patch the holes Whisperwick's magic had torn into his essence, I felt helpless, felt like a child again.
I wonder, writing this, if I wore the same look on my face as I did when you ushered me from our home, a lifetime ago, in Waterdeep. I don't remember much about that night. Only the feeling - helpless, afraid and faced with a loss too immense for words.
We learned the truth too late - Whisperwick's motives behind everything, likely for years, was to trap, neutralize and harness the energy of a malign, fiery 'star' of sorts - capable of infecting the minds of mortals, using them as agents. As it had with this George Longcloak, before Whisperwick split his soul apart in an attempt to rid it of the parasite. The result, horrifically, is that the infected part survived, in turn usurping half of the soul fragments, while the real George Longcloak reclaimed the other half.
And Jaxon?
I don't believe he's rightfully part of either - and even if he once 'was', the relationships he's forged, the independant, pivotal choices he's made and the impact he's had on the world, they all fit the defining characteristics of a soul proper. At least in so far as there's any real consensus of what a soul 'is' - which there isn't. And that vagueness of definition is telling - that means, to me, that a soul is something that's alive, that's fluid and malleable, that develops through these very relations and choices.
For as long as I've known him, 2-0-6 strove to find his own identity, to rebuild himself from the ashes after Zhentarim captivity. He became Jaxon through the bonds of friendship we all forged with him (even if Nerrez still tries on other names). Surely, I insist and tell myself over and over, that's enough to rise from anew. There's also a small ember remaining - Nerrez' swift hands grabbed it, I found out afterwards, and Farian's ensured there's hair and scraps of tissue enough for a ressurrection, if we can but extract the soul via a modified Soul Jar. Assuming it qualifies as a soul - but it must! It should.
Shouldn't it?
My mind's eye is drawn back to a late summer's day in Peltarch - that strangely carefree day Jax and I spent together, in clothes unlike our own, roaming the city market, stores and cafés. I wrote about it before, didn't I? That I felt like I could've been someone else, that day - another me, from a parallell lifetime in which our family were 'not' branded traitors, or perhaps just a clerk on her day off, chatting happily with.... well that's just it, isn't it? He, too, seemed to entertain similar flights of fancy. In those new clothes, with that tentative smile, was he not in a way taking a glimpse at another self; trying out what could have been or might become?
I think anyone who knows what it's like to be broken also learns how to rebuild themselves - that they'll be better at this than those who take wholeness for granted. Jax chose to become who he is - he chose more consciously than most. That strong self-awareness gives me hope, at least theoretically, when it comes to extracting him from the rest. Though it doesn't change the fact that we're facing a burning, blistering star, threatening to consume us all unless stopped. And I haven't the faintest idea how to do that. The bitter irony is that the one who knew is dead by our hand - and so here I am, at risk of returning to the loop of regrets all over again.
If you've read this far, brother dearest, I applaud you. I had to stick these churning thoughts onto paper for my own sanity's sake if nothing else. Here's hoping my brain will finally shut up and let me sleep.
Your dearly depleted sister, Laura"