Laura's slumped face-first across her desk, into a dubiously cushioning pile of ancient star-charts. Her fingers are smudged with ink and yet her boots are muddy, a dusty cloak flung across a chair and her spellchain in a crumpled heap on the floor. Nox, still perched like a watchful sphinx on the box of mercurial quicksilver, regards the room and his human with a certain degree of forebearance, like a parent would a messy child that they know is trying very hard. Eventually stirring, Laura sits upright, glasses slanted across her nose. She rubs fingers against her eyes, creating an blue-tinged panda effect that she's quite unaware of, reaching for her work before a look of near despair fills her weary eyes. Instead, she reaches for the top drawer of her desk, pulls out fresh stationary and writes:
"Barton!
I need to get this off my chest, but for once I can't talk to any of my friends and while it's awkward to imagine you ever reading these words, it'll just have to be written for you - for who else can I count on to always at least love me even when I'm being ridiculous?
The siege and confrontation with Whisperwick's coming - I've prepared in every way I can, burning the candle at both ends with study and honing of my combat magic. While exhausting work, I do feel like my mind's expanded and just in time, too. It's still nowhere near enough to match Adan Whisperwick, so the other preparations we've made feel just as necessary as they did when we arduously aquired those sussur blooms. Anti-magic, Barton - it's very scary. But what about this situation isn't?
I'm afraid of so many things going wrong, not least of which our own dividing opinions. When I consider the risk of Whisperwick utilizing our presence to 'harvest' his precious ingredients, my gut clenches. But for all that, it's something else that I can't stop thinking about, endlessly and uselessly, again and again and again.
I met Astrologer Farian on the roof of the Keep, some nights ago. It was shortly after he'd fallen out with Ashla and Aen, shortly after I was forced to play unwilling gatekeeper to this awful chest that Nox is considerate enough to still be guarding. I still felt terrible about it all, but Farian said not to worry on his regard. I needn't defend him and end up in conflict with my friends, I was still a good student.
We touched upon the subject of the mercurial quicksilver in discussing Whisperwick's goals - we'd both tried and both failed to divine the substance's past through Legend Lore. It's a static-filled blur, but Aen and Ashla's glimpsed visions seem to me to be clear pieces of that puzzle, fitting chillingly well in.
'I think he's trying to replicate the creation of it', I said, adding that this knowledge is one of the few I'd agree best stay forgotten. Knowledge is like a sword, Farian countered. It's the wielding of it that's dangerous. And I agree, I do agree except I can so easily fathom reaching for that knowledge myself, thinking I could save someone I love with it. Perhaps not so far as to sacrifice another life for it - but when I think of Loke's desperation towards her sister, I can envision a good person doing terrible things with this same knowledge in hand.
I wish I'd told him that. I wish I'd argued harder or that I'd said nothing when he paused, hesitating. I should've waited it out and let him speak. But no - I prattled on, filled the void with some meaningless phrase or other, because that pause sent flutters of nervousness throughout me. Now, I can't stop thinking about it, because ever since that night, Farian's been a decisive no-show in the library or even the halls of Moonreach Keep. I tell myself he's busy preparing for the siege, and that could be it. But what, then, was his hesitation about?
Is he planning something he knows is dangerous or even questionable, something he thinks necessary to survive the ordeal ahead? Is he trying to learn the secret of mercurial quicksilver for himself, even? I know it intrigues him, yet at the same time he's not like Whisperwick, neither in that his field of interest lies towards transmutation nor, and most importantly, with regards to morality. Farian's detached, certainly - that's how most arcanists are trained to think, how he's clearly accustomed to function and view the world - but he ~does~ care. I know so.
He waited for me by the roadside when I left for Peltarch, to say goodbye with kinder words than any other mentor's ever given me.
He stormed up to Caldera Manor, when thinking Jhael and I were in peril, to demand our safe return.
He scried us endlessly when we nearly died in Whisperwick's ambush at the aetherite impact spot.
He always makes us tea, when we return to the library after a rough outing. This last part sounds like it's small, but to me it's those little kindnesses that matter. I feel like all of us have begun seeping through the cracks of the wall of indifference Farian's put up against the world. If so, wouldn't he actually have been quite hurt to be so called into question?
I hesitated too, upon our parting on the rooftop, thinking this last thing. He's always seemed to thrive being on his own, but suddenly he struck me as lonely. I wanted to reach out, in some simple way reassure him that he wasn't, that he didn't need to be. My hand was half-way towards his arm to give it a pat, a squeeze, something, when I rethought that plan. Why would I try to console my mentor, wouldn't that be both inappropriate and strangely condescending? Wouldn't a gesture like that mean I thought of us as friends, or that I'd fallen into that age old trap of developping romantic feelings towards my teacher? The idea that he'd think either of these things true and disapprove of it gave me fright, but Barton, my hand wouldn't stop!
I still reached out and then I didn't know WHAT to do with my hand. So I spied a piece of lint on his cloak and plucked that off.
He looked at my hand and then at me, but said nothing.
And now I can't stop thinking about THAT, either.
Way to make it weird, Laura!
Uuughhh.
I know there's so many more important things to worry about than my own weirdness, but my mind still goes there, still nags and twists and turns that encounter around and around. Whispering that I should've done something more, something less, spoken other words, more freely, from the heart. Should I just have tried to be his friend in that moment, without fear of being rejected, because maybe that's what he needed?
My mind's churning and the half-glimpsed scenarios it paints of what's to come are all terrible. That huge crucifix Whisperwick's cronies made off with, giant manacles and chains. Our anti-magic defence relies to a large part on him 'not' bringing a lot of backup, or the likes of myself, Jhael and Loke are in distinct trouble. Will the blossoms even make it to the show-down? What about the belladonna, should I get on with making those throwable flask 'bombs' or rather arrange traps around the chamber, taking Feowem up on his offer to assist? Questions, what-if this and what-if thats keep my mind reeling and time, by now, is running very short.
Will all of us really make it through this alive and without falling apart, one way or the other?
I'm trying to pretend that you're here, or that whereever you are, you're fine. But I can't, my thoughts are scattered in a million directions, chasing these what-ifs and why-didn't-you's to absolutely no avail. Farian promised that once this was over, he'd use the best of Moonreach's facilities to help me find you. But will he still be here, once the dust settles?
Your fretful sister, Laura"